Fifteen and Quarantined

I draw with gold and white markers on my thigh

Because that is not how I feel

And I overwater my plants because

That is not how I feel either.

May 13th marked my 15th birthday

But I do not feel fifteen

I feel like I’m 2007 Britney Spears

Fighting the urge to cut all of my hair off

I feel like I am five

Dunking cookies in milk and listening to Bruce Springsten

From an old iPod with a crappy speaker

I feel like I am fifty-five

For the first time my bones are starting to crack when I stand up

I rarely stand up anymore.

For the first time I don’t touch my hair when I pass by a mirror

I turn off the camera on my chromebook anyways.

For the first time I don’t feel like eating everything in my house

I am always home

I am always home

I am always home.

I am always home.

For the first time in a very long time I do not rejoice when my father walks through the door

I think maybe I’m just bitter over his absence

Or maybe because

He keeps watching the same movies on the tv next to the kitchen

And I do school in the kitchen

And I am sick of listening to the same ten films 

Play on the same ten channels.

And I also hate it when he watches golf. 

I do my school work as quickly as I can

Because that is not how I feel

May 13th marked my 15th birthday

But I couldn’t tell you how time worked

Or if it worked in favor of me.