8 reasons why i can’t look myself in the mirror

Amelia Payne

  1. the mirror can never quite capture the light that is in my eyes, it is constantly lying to me about how i feel. it has never once correctly guessed and reflected back onto me the emotions that spiked my blood pressure. or maybe i’m just that good at lying. 
  2. i have it so good but i feel so bad. 
  3. there was one time where i scratched my arm for so long and so hard that i could feel my veins pressing against the pads on my fingertips and i swore i’d never touch myself like that again. 
  4. i can’t hate myself because no one will believe me. so i don’t. hate myself. instead i poke and prod at every piece of skin on my body that makes me want to vomit and i kiss it while i hold back tears because i would never, ever hold another woman to the standards i hold myself to. 
  5. i am constantly terrified i might see someone who i don’t like looking back to me. 
  6. i am a liar. 
  7. i lie about so much but mostly to myself. and instead of reaching back out to brush the hair out of my eyes instead of wiping my own tears away instead of looking at the skid marks and the strawberry burns on my knees and saying ‘look how far we’ve come’ i never look back. past me is always reaching out to be reassured and she should be taught that she was never and will never be held accountable for any of my problems now but i will never say it to my own face. i am terrified of what future me might think of me because i know she won’t think anything. 
  8. i think my eyes are the stupidest shade of brown sometimes, so i tend to look into my mothers eyes to find all the things i cannot find in my own.